nedelja, 26. december 2010

Fear of writing

I am still struggling with writing self forgiveness every day. I always find an excuse for doing something else instead of writing even though I know that I have a lot to write about. So yesterday I write self forgiveness on that point and I found out that I refuse to write because I don’t want to let go of the systems and I am just “happy with the way I am” kind of thing. Also the fear of losing my personalities and the fear of losing “myself” as a system came up. Oh, and probably the fear of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed. I will have to push through these points a lot and force myself to write every day until this becomes a routine for me and not something to avoid. 
I also had dreams today about that point. I have my room in the attic and the pillars are pretty bad so in my dreams they were in bad condition because of termites (as the professional told me). But he was wrong. As I was sleeping a beautiful mices started to fall down on to my bed from the roof. They didn’t have regular tales; they more looked like hamsters. And their hair was so soft and puffy. So I started to chase those animals because I wanted to give them food and a nice warm place to stay in. I collected them in the basket and they keep running away. So this repeated again and again – I caught them and some of them went away and again I caught them and so on and on…

And in the morning I was wondering what is the meaning of my dreams and with a little help from Vitan (he always sees things in symbols) we figure out that those animals are systems which I am still hanging on and not wanting to let them go completely.

torek, 09. november 2010

Not taking responsibility for my actions

I was writing self forgiveness today about the event that happened years ago while I was in grammar school. A lot of new points opened up immediately. It was something like that:

When I was in grammar school (and also it was the same at high school) I created this personality of a “good girl”. I was pretending in front of teachers that I am poor little girl, helpless, good, innocent etc. And I did this because I believed that I can manipulate them through that kind of personality more effectively. So I tried to have the best grades, “be a good student”, although I want to get good grades with the smallest effort as I could. Meaning: getting good grades because teachers like me and not because I deserved good grades through knowledge. Also this kind of personality was connected with my mother, trying to prove myself to her so she could be proud. Good grades = likable to teachers = proud mother. But I was just pretending to be a “good student”, I didn’t study at home at all or just a little bit with small amount of effort and I reached a point when this wasn’t working in my advantage any more. So I started to skip classes when probability appeared that I could be questioned in front of the whole class (here a point opened up – I was scared to be questioned in front of my classmates, because I was afraid that they are going to laugh at me because I don’t know something which is considered as general knowledge), because I didn’t want to ruin my “reputation” as a “good girl”. This started to happen very often (because I was lazy at home and I find it as a good way to not face with my responsibilities). I absent even for a whole week so it wouldn’t get so suspicious (like I made it look like I was ill). And my parents of course didn’t know about that. I even wrote (forge) apology letter with fake signature from my father so they thought that I was really sick and I didn’t get any penalty for that. But eventually it went out of control. I was missing at school all the time, I didn’t study at home, I didn’t do anything to correct my actions, so they caught me (it got suspicious and my teacher called my mom and asked her about my missing and she didn’t know anything about that). When I found out that she knows and that also teacher knows about me skipping classes I panicked because if they knew about me being “bad girl” it would ruin everything (no more manipulating and pretending). And instead of taking responsibility for my actions I played the game further and told my teacher that I was doing this because my father was drunk all the time and I couldn’t study and concentrate when he was like that and I was afraid to get bad grade in school so I rather skip class (he drank at that time a lot but it wasn’t his fault that I did what I did – I simply didn’t want to take responsibility for myself and I put guilt on him because it was easier and also I could then manipulate again). So I pretend that I am innocent lamb and my father was a bad wolf.

So while writing self forgiveness about that I felt a lot of guilt within myself, also blaming myself not taking responsibility for my actions, a lot of anger, disappointment and regret.

Now I see that I did all of that because of self interest not considering the consequences and also I played a victim because I didn’t want to take responsibility. 
  
Oh, and here are some new points that I will be working on that opened up while writing this down:
•    my father and alcohol
•    lying and pretending
•    self trust

petek, 29. oktober 2010

Lizard in my dreams

Yesterday I had this huge personality point or something close to that which I will explain right now. It all happened when Vitan was hungry and we went into the kitchen to warm up dinner. I have already put meat on the plate so I could put it into the microwave oven when he said that he won’t eat this, he would rather eat something else from the fridge that was not opened yet. So I didn’t understand why he doesn’t want to eat something that is prepared and that it will not be fresh the next day. So I started to become frustrated about that. One thing that was going through my mind was that with kind of acting which we are doing right now, we are throwing away food and this is not good at all. And so I was in my mind all the time while he was preparing himself a meal and eats it. We were quiet and didn’t say a word to each other. I became more and more frustrated and it felt like I was falling and falling (more I was participating in my mind, more I became depressed and the hole where I was falling into was getting deeper and darker). He already went upstairs while I was still sitting there in the kitchen and being completely in my mind. Then it just got over me – all feelings and emotions, all mixed together and the tears just started to coming. It was almost like if the storm is coming up and the sky is getting dark and after a while it finally starts to rain. It was like that. Then I asked myself why am I doing this? What is the reason? So the reason was me.
Before Desteni, I was really into beauty stuff such as make-up and long hair and also clothes and shoes of course – I almost forgot about how obsessed I was with shoes. Everything related to beauty was “my life”. And when I stopped participating in that (not fully knowing why exactly) I just repressed all emotions and feelings about that – because I didn’t really want to “leave” everything that I was behind (I still wanted to be a part of that beauty concept – but instead of realizing that and writing about it, I just blocked everything and “made myself blind”). So that repression showed up yesterday and I totally know why it showed – I didn’t write about that as much as I should. I just wrote down few points about my hair and not wearing make-up but that was it – and I know that this is far away from what I should really be doing.
Another thing that hit me was the dreams that I had at night. It was something like that:
Vitan and I were alone in the house and it was really dark in there. I also remember that there were some animals but I can’t tell which ones – it is not relevant lol. I can’t remember what we were doing but I definitely remember that all of the sudden a lizard (which came from practically nowhere) started to chase me. It was really big and bad looking lol. So I ran away from it into another room, closed the doors but it won’t stop. It was hitting the door until they gave up and fell on the ground. Now the lizard and I was looking each other face to face. It looked very angry at me, preparing itself to attack and then it twined round my right arm and (that part was actually funny) started to spin around my arm like those gymnastic guys on the pole. So I managed to release my arm from that “monster” and started to running again towards another room. But it caught me and started to jump into my left hand – it didn’t bite me, but just scratch my arm pretty bad and it also hold my hand really hard. Then Vitan wanted to save me and he started to pull the lizard away from me while this animal was still holding on to my arm. He was pulling and while doing that he hurt me even more (he pulled my skin off so I had a big hole in my arm) and everything was in blood. Then the lizard disappeared and all I can remember is that Vitan felt very sorry that he hurt me and I was calming him down that it wasn’t his fault and that everything is going to be ok.
So I talked to Blaž about those dreams and he told me that this is a point that I have to work with now. And it all makes sense in a way. We figure it out that this lizard represents my mind and that I am not willing to give up my mind completely and also that all the things that Vitan says when I have a mindfuck I won’t hear him. He tries to help but I don’t hear him and I think that by saying those things to me that he is hurting me even more, but actually he is pushing the right button. It is just me – not excepting the things that I’ve done and for that blaming others, mostly those who show me the right way.

torek, 19. oktober 2010

Just shut your mouth!

Today, I had this flash back of one memory when I talked to Blaž about writing down all my memories so I can release my energy, feelings and emotions related to those memories.
 
It happened one day when I was sitting on my bed and watching TV with my sister’s boyfriend.  She had to go somewhere so she left us alone for some time. We sat there and watched a TV series called Step by Step. It was all ok when suddenly he tried to push me down on the bed (but not aggressive) so I would lie down. I was in the shock at that moment as I couldn’t believe that he is trying to do that. So I said to him “Tadej, it is me, Ajda. I’m not the right one”. (Oh, and I was about 13 or 14 years old and he is 4 years older than me.) So he said to me “It is nothing, just relax.” And I became afraid that he will do something to me (I thought that he is going to try and rape me). So I pushed him away and said to him “what is wrong with you, you mistook me for my sister” and he tried and he was repeating the words that nothing is wrong, everything will be fine, just relax. So I started to feel extensive fear inside of me and all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind for example what am I going to do if he starts to be aggressive or how can I run away from him or I wish that my sister will be back soon…So at that time I was just hoping that someone will came in the room as I was too afraid to go out and away from him. At last my mother “saved” me because she came up into my room and asked me something (I remember now that I couldn’t talk normally because I was in shock) but she went pretty quickly so I couldn’t go out because if I would go out of my room then I thought that it would be suspicious and my mother would ask me some questions about that and I was also afraid to tell her what happened. So I stayed in my room with Tadej and he didn’t say anything further, he actually laughed while watching TV series and pretended that nothing happened. I felt disgust within me and shame and all kinds of feelings also I was really afraid because now I didn’t know what to do (should I tell this to someone or should I shut my mouth and forget that this ever happened).
 
Next day I felt like crap and I had to go to school so my friend saw that something isn’t right so I told her what happened. She advised me that I have to tell this to my sister because she is the only one who can do something about that (she meant by that leaving him). So when I came home I told her what he was trying to do (I cried while telling her because I was really scared) and I could tell that she was angry (I still don’t know if she was angry at me or at him or at both of us). So she was also in shock and she told me that she will confront him. And she did. He told her totally different story – he said that I imagined that in my thoughts and nothing that I said to her was real, because I am in loved with him and I was fantasizing about that so I now don’t know what I am talking about and I don’t recognize the difference between real and not real. Blinded as she was she believed him and I felt betrayed. I cried a lot because I was disappointed to know that my sister doesn’t trust me and believe me and that she also thinks that I am going crazy. And she even manipulated me so I started to think that this might be true – so I just imagined all that stuff. So I didn’t know what was true anymore at that point. It cleared my mind when he tried to confront me when I was at school and my sister didn’t know that he came there. I was soooo afraid that he will hurt me and beat me up so I would shut my mouth and not say anything to anybody. I was hiding at my school and I was waiting for him to go away because he couldn’t go inside and he waited me outside in front of my school. He was there for half an hour (I was hiding in bathroom and in the halls) and then he went. I still don’t know what he was his attention (if he was trying to just talk about the whole situation or if he was trying to manipulate me through my fear and his power). So my sister forgot about that and also did he (I think) and they are still together now. I still remember sometimes about what was going on and I still have that fear inside of me when I see him (but not extensive fear just a little stomach movement). 
 
I noticed that while writing all that fear came up again and as I wrote all down the fear disappeared. Now I have to watch myself what will happen inside of me when I see him again next time.

četrtek, 14. oktober 2010

Anger and breathing

A few days ago I had a little argue with my grandma and the reason why was because she was calling me (or should I say jelling) from downstairs and this is like a two floors away from where I was at that time. So I didn't hear her because I was on the phone. She came upstairs, very pissed off, because I didn't answer and said that I have to move my car. So I said to her that I didn't hear her because I was phoning so she jelled at me not hearing me what I was saying to her so I raised my voice and repeated the sentence. She was so in the »anger mode« that she hit me over my head (not a lot but I got the idea what she was doing – at that moment I just breathed and calmed myself) and I said to her that I don't remember hitting her and why she did that. She didn't answer to my question. I moved my car and went into the house not saying anything to her anymore. I felt how anger overflew my body and I was feeling that a few minutes later when I was already alone in my room. I felt how my body wants to shake because of a »shock« so I just stopped myself in that moment and breathed. It helped a lot because normally I would be like that all day if not two.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my grandma because she jelled at me not realizing that I also jelled at her, so I am angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I “didn’t do anything wrong” , not realizing that I am responsible for my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on reactions of others.

četrtek, 07. oktober 2010

Relationship mindfucks and standing alone

A huuuuge mindfuck came up or should I say a whole army of mindfucks came up today when something happened which I didn't like.
Vitan (my partner) decided a few days ago that he will stop coming here (where I live) for 21 days. So at that time I got a small reaction but it wasn't a big deal. I was ok with that. When he went home he said to me that we will see each other in one month and he also said that I am »not allowed« to call him on his phone. And he said this in a joke but I knew that he would prefer that which he said. So I said to him »are you serious about that? c'mon...« and he smiled and said »no, no, you can call me«. So that calm me down and I just passed the mindfuck that I had at that moment. But what really got to me was yesterday when I met with Blaž and we talked about something and he said to me that Vitan went to Ljubljana because he had a job interview and he also visited Hilda because she lives there and also that he went there very early (like 6 hours before interview) so that means that he will spend all that time with Hilda. WooooOW mindfucks came like with the speed of the light and I was really angry and sad – I had mix of emotions inside of me. So I felt like I am not good enough because I don't support him like Hilda does or like HE THINKS that she supports him (lol another mindfuck) and why do I need to keep a distance from him because I haven't done anything wrong so why is he like that even though I am not guilty of anything, why he punishes me like that, why Hilda CAN support him and I can't, why would he be with her for half of a day, why can't I know what is happening in his life and everybody else can, I am not special enough for him, I want to be special, what she has that I don't, I am not good enough,...So this mindfucks are relationship mindfucks and they are basically controlling me in every single moment. I wasn't aware of them before when everything was exactly how I wanted but now I have to face with them because I am alone in this and now is the chance that I fix this so I can stand alone, by myself.
I always had difficulties with that. I need someone to “hold me” when I don’t feel like standing and this is really…when I look at it right now, it is really selfish, manipulating and abusive. I have to take responsibility for things that I have accepted and allowed because nobody else is going to do that instead of me.
Huh, I feel much better now. :)

sreda, 01. september 2010

Mind is not a boogeyman!

I watched some desteni material on youtube today and I came across this video which talks about how our mind can assist us in our process. In my previous post I said that I have to fight so I can win against my mind  and now I have realized that this is not a battle between myself and my mind – it is great tool for me to work with because only then I can see what I have really accepted. To be honest,  I was scared of my mind because if any thoughts came up, I immediately judge myself to have that thoughts instead of watching them so I can see the reason that sticks behind all of that. Before this realization I was trying to stop my thoughts, emotions, feelings, pretending that they never happened but seeing now this was only disshonesty to myself because stopping them didn't solve the problem (actually stopping was not successfull at all because then I was thinking in my head how I need to stop my thoughts and then I was talking in my mind to myself »stop the thoughts, they are bad, stop them«  and then I had random voices in my head and I was doing a bigger mess than it was before). So I realized that my mind can assist me a lot because I can see what still exists whitin me. Now I see this as an opportunity for me to be self honest.

nedelja, 29. avgust 2010

No more hiding!

I am running away from my thoughts and mindfucks that I have and that are constantly chasing me. I tried to convince myself that these thoughts are harmless and if I am thinking and making conversations in my head which I am aware of, then this is nothing to worry about. But this was just an exuse for hiding me and my little voices in my head so I could be safe in my little bubble - the mind. Well...actually it is not that little at all! So this little or not so little bubble is trying to suck my life out of me and make me a robot that needs energy for its survival. It's trying pretty hard and its pretty effective but I will fight until this bubble will pop.
So Ajda, face yourself, get brutal and stop, stop, STOP!