Yesterday I had this huge personality point or something close to that which I will explain right now. It all happened when Vitan was hungry and we went into the kitchen to warm up dinner. I have already put meat on the plate so I could put it into the microwave oven when he said that he won’t eat this, he would rather eat something else from the fridge that was not opened yet. So I didn’t understand why he doesn’t want to eat something that is prepared and that it will not be fresh the next day. So I started to become frustrated about that. One thing that was going through my mind was that with kind of acting which we are doing right now, we are throwing away food and this is not good at all. And so I was in my mind all the time while he was preparing himself a meal and eats it. We were quiet and didn’t say a word to each other. I became more and more frustrated and it felt like I was falling and falling (more I was participating in my mind, more I became depressed and the hole where I was falling into was getting deeper and darker). He already went upstairs while I was still sitting there in the kitchen and being completely in my mind. Then it just got over me – all feelings and emotions, all mixed together and the tears just started to coming. It was almost like if the storm is coming up and the sky is getting dark and after a while it finally starts to rain. It was like that. Then I asked myself why am I doing this? What is the reason? So the reason was me.
Before Desteni, I was really into beauty stuff such as make-up and long hair and also clothes and shoes of course – I almost forgot about how obsessed I was with shoes. Everything related to beauty was “my life”. And when I stopped participating in that (not fully knowing why exactly) I just repressed all emotions and feelings about that – because I didn’t really want to “leave” everything that I was behind (I still wanted to be a part of that beauty concept – but instead of realizing that and writing about it, I just blocked everything and “made myself blind”). So that repression showed up yesterday and I totally know why it showed – I didn’t write about that as much as I should. I just wrote down few points about my hair and not wearing make-up but that was it – and I know that this is far away from what I should really be doing.
Another thing that hit me was the dreams that I had at night. It was something like that:
Vitan and I were alone in the house and it was really dark in there. I also remember that there were some animals but I can’t tell which ones – it is not relevant lol. I can’t remember what we were doing but I definitely remember that all of the sudden a lizard (which came from practically nowhere) started to chase me. It was really big and bad looking lol. So I ran away from it into another room, closed the doors but it won’t stop. It was hitting the door until they gave up and fell on the ground. Now the lizard and I was looking each other face to face. It looked very angry at me, preparing itself to attack and then it twined round my right arm and (that part was actually funny) started to spin around my arm like those gymnastic guys on the pole. So I managed to release my arm from that “monster” and started to running again towards another room. But it caught me and started to jump into my left hand – it didn’t bite me, but just scratch my arm pretty bad and it also hold my hand really hard. Then Vitan wanted to save me and he started to pull the lizard away from me while this animal was still holding on to my arm. He was pulling and while doing that he hurt me even more (he pulled my skin off so I had a big hole in my arm) and everything was in blood. Then the lizard disappeared and all I can remember is that Vitan felt very sorry that he hurt me and I was calming him down that it wasn’t his fault and that everything is going to be ok.
So I talked to Blaž about those dreams and he told me that this is a point that I have to work with now. And it all makes sense in a way. We figure it out that this lizard represents my mind and that I am not willing to give up my mind completely and also that all the things that Vitan says when I have a mindfuck I won’t hear him. He tries to help but I don’t hear him and I think that by saying those things to me that he is hurting me even more, but actually he is pushing the right button. It is just me – not excepting the things that I’ve done and for that blaming others, mostly those who show me the right way.
Before Desteni, I was really into beauty stuff such as make-up and long hair and also clothes and shoes of course – I almost forgot about how obsessed I was with shoes. Everything related to beauty was “my life”. And when I stopped participating in that (not fully knowing why exactly) I just repressed all emotions and feelings about that – because I didn’t really want to “leave” everything that I was behind (I still wanted to be a part of that beauty concept – but instead of realizing that and writing about it, I just blocked everything and “made myself blind”). So that repression showed up yesterday and I totally know why it showed – I didn’t write about that as much as I should. I just wrote down few points about my hair and not wearing make-up but that was it – and I know that this is far away from what I should really be doing.
Another thing that hit me was the dreams that I had at night. It was something like that:
Vitan and I were alone in the house and it was really dark in there. I also remember that there were some animals but I can’t tell which ones – it is not relevant lol. I can’t remember what we were doing but I definitely remember that all of the sudden a lizard (which came from practically nowhere) started to chase me. It was really big and bad looking lol. So I ran away from it into another room, closed the doors but it won’t stop. It was hitting the door until they gave up and fell on the ground. Now the lizard and I was looking each other face to face. It looked very angry at me, preparing itself to attack and then it twined round my right arm and (that part was actually funny) started to spin around my arm like those gymnastic guys on the pole. So I managed to release my arm from that “monster” and started to running again towards another room. But it caught me and started to jump into my left hand – it didn’t bite me, but just scratch my arm pretty bad and it also hold my hand really hard. Then Vitan wanted to save me and he started to pull the lizard away from me while this animal was still holding on to my arm. He was pulling and while doing that he hurt me even more (he pulled my skin off so I had a big hole in my arm) and everything was in blood. Then the lizard disappeared and all I can remember is that Vitan felt very sorry that he hurt me and I was calming him down that it wasn’t his fault and that everything is going to be ok.
So I talked to Blaž about those dreams and he told me that this is a point that I have to work with now. And it all makes sense in a way. We figure it out that this lizard represents my mind and that I am not willing to give up my mind completely and also that all the things that Vitan says when I have a mindfuck I won’t hear him. He tries to help but I don’t hear him and I think that by saying those things to me that he is hurting me even more, but actually he is pushing the right button. It is just me – not excepting the things that I’ve done and for that blaming others, mostly those who show me the right way.
Thanks for sharing Ajda! It is not clear to me if you explained him you arguments why you thought that it would be best to eat the already prepared meat, and the rest of the thoughts related to this. Did you just shut yourself and did not shared yourself with him? Because I consider very important not to become quiet because of the fear what other would say, but to always remain fully opened and share everything that comes to your mind. This way you are able to cleat the points in the moment, so they do not accumulate and explode in time due suppression.
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